A couple of weeks ago, The Age published an article by a lifestyle and travel writer called Carolyn Webb about Bali - called 'Bali, why bother?' that simultaneously made me really irritated, but also oddly unmotivated to respond.
It was so unbelievably one-dimensional that I assumed it was penned as a shock piece designed to attract as many comments from the pro and anti-Bali camps as possible (given how many rebuttal articles it spawned in the very same paper I think I hit the mark on that one). It also scored one for Tourism Australia who must just rub their hands with glee when they read this crap.
If you haven't read the article, you can still read it here.
http://www.smh.com.au/travel/travel-news/bali-why-bother-20111024-1mfiz.html
I wouldn't bother, unless you're interested in startling insights like Ms Webb complaining that she was:
"harassed with the words, "Miiisss, miiisss, transport, taxi, where you going ... miiiisss?" I thought my name had been changed to Miiisss."
Did you tell them your name Carolyn?? I'm pretty sure if you'd said, my name is Carolyn, they would have called you that instead. When it comes to names, Balinese people in the tourism game have astounding memories for potential customers. Given her attitude in the article, she should count herself lucky they didn't called her "sour-face cow".
ANYWAY... What an intro. The point of my post is that while I couldn't be bothered writing about her article, it did make me think that I was a tad more qualified to give travel advice about Bali than Ms Webb, alleged-journo, who went once and whinged about it.
So I've put together a top tips list for traveling in Bali. It's a few things (some more tongue in cheek than others) that I've picked up on my various trips over here that make a real difference to how much I enjoy the place.
Here we go:
1. Learn a couple of Indonesian phrases.
And I mean a couple - you don't need to be able to say much at all in Indonesian to make your stay more pleasant.
My top phrases would be "Terima Kasih" which means thank-you, followed by "Tidak mau", which literally means "don't want".
It's nice to be able to say thank you nicely and people appreciate the effort. Tidak mau is a much more selfish phrase because it stops touts from hassling you almost immediately in about 98% of cases**. Especially if said with a big smile.
I also like "saya sudah" which means "I already". Use it with the guy trying to sell you sunglasses on the beach when you're already wearing the exact same knockoff pair. It usually prompts a reaction of 'fair enough' and instantly, no more hassling.
Happily, all the important words are the same in both languages - beer, margarita, daiquiri, cosmo, pina colada, long island ice tea etc. etc.
2. Don't haggle.
This might be a radical one for those who associate Bali (or South East Asia more generally) with bargaining.
I'll be upfront - I'm not a fan of bargaining. In fact I dread it when I need to buy something from a market stall with no fixed price. It's such a painful ritual of going back and forth on price only to end up more or less at the price I would have happily paid in the first place, but couldn't offer because it throws out the bargaining-dynamic.
I'm not saying don't bargain. Lots of people (both buyers and sellers) enjoy it, even thrive on it and many people make their living from it. But there's a difference between bargaining to find a price that both parties are comfortable with and haggling for every last dollar.
Try to remember that the last time you went to the movies at home. Recall how you paid $17 a ticket to watch yet another Jason Statham action debacle and probably also shelled out a minimum of $10 on a small popcorn and coke deal. Now, ask yourself whether haggling over $2 or $5 or even, gasp, $8 is worth your precious holiday time and energy?
Before you ask, no, I don't like getting ripped off either. But I think, if you are really "successful" in the haggling stages of bargaining, you are potentially leaving someone with almost no profit. Is it really so important to get that bangle AS CHEAP as possible? Does it really feel that good to feel like you've paid the smallest amount anyone has ever paid for a sarong?? Or would it actually be fine to pay a tiny bit more and maybe not completely screw down the seller?
3. Buy a Bintang singlet and wear it with pride.
Make sure it's a knock off and if you're a guy aged over 20, don't feel intimidated by the softer colours - purple and aqua are totally masculine.
If for some reason, you can't rock a Bintang singlet (GOMP refuses - won't even do it for my idle amusement) then the only alternative is to buy them as souvenirs for all your friends. You can even get creative with it and get a Bintang singlet for your dog...
Think I'm kidding?? Check out Bisli, the pet of friends Gab and Ilan. Here he is modeling last years' Bintang singlet:
4. Try some Indonesian food.
Yeah, you can get great (and cheeeeep) Italian, Japanese, French, Chinese, Belgium, Indian and Malay food here, but you can also get all that at home. Try finding Indonesian food in Melbourne - it does exist, but only in very few places and it's sooo much more expensive there that it'll make you cry! I mean it - the last time we ate Indonesian food in South Melbourne, it took GOMP days to get over the price. He still talks about it with a crushed expression every now and then!
Plus tempe (fermented soybean cake - no, don't make a face) is awesomely delicious and very nutritious.
It should go without saying, but here tis; never, ever eat the Dutch food. Even the Dutch won't touch it.
5. Don't commission a sticker
There's been this thing over here where it's really cheap to get custom stickers made up. Tourists get revolting things printed on stickers to take home and the sellers stick them up as advertisements.
They're usually super original and witty, and say things like "Trev is gay". Sometimes they up the ante and read "Gay Trevor is gay". Yup, I see what you did there and it's still not clever.
Lately though, they've been getting really disgusting. I don't want to know that you, or one of your friends has sexual relations with intellectually disabled, amputee midgets. It's gross people, gross!!
Don't make it a drinking game to come up with the most offensive lines. Don't dare your friend to make one for a workmate back home. Please, just don't.
6. Don't be afraid to hide at the spa
If the heat, the touts, the noise, the traffic and the chaos become too much, turn your head 45 degrees and you will undoubtably spot a spa. Head straight for it and don't look back.
If there's a place on earth where people are more in tune with massage, I want to see it for myself. With rare exceptions, even the cheapest, most run down looking place will still leave you floating after an hour of Balinese massage. And the good places are really really good. And so delightfully affordable. I think I might go out and get one now!
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Before I do, a huge Happy Birthday to Jacqui who is celebrating her birthday here in Bali and whom I am just about to meet for lunch.
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**One guy trying to sell me tshirts on the street with a quick wit yelled: "Tidak mau means I love you - do you love me??" when I used it on him... Hysterical. So it's not foolproof, but at least the response is entertaining!
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